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Shock news gripped Bute this week, as it emerged that a local primary school has decided to outlaw any mention of Christmas due to fears over obesity.
The Families and Teachers Shared Organisation (FATSO) have issued a proclamation stating that it would be morally reprehensible of them to allow children to be exposed to images of Father Christmas' substantial waistline, as the impressionable young children would inevitably take to power-eating in order to emulate the rotund gift-bringer. Candy Barr of FATSO told Bute News:
"We just don't feel it's right that kids get the impression that it is ok to be fat. Fat people should be hidden away from society, and only winched through their roofs when we need a good laugh or have a sumo wrestling tournament. As parents, we don't have much time for our kids at this or any other time of year, so we expect other people to take responsibility for bringing up our spawn - if my kid turns out to be a fat bastard, you can guarantee that I'll find a way to blame someone else, because it sure as hell won't be my fault."
FATSO's position is not without opposition, however. Local master bakers are cracking off over the proposal, which they say will undermine their efforts to get some cheap publicity. Every Christmas, local traders give free Christmas cakes to schools in the hope that Bute News' downmarket, inferior rival will send a reporter to cover the story, in the hope of filling a few column inches in between stories about how the bus was late once, or that Woolworths have sold out of Shayne Ward CDs. Bob L Head of the Baker's Dozen, a consortium of local bakers, told Bute News:
"They're all a shower of bastards."
We asked Mr Head to elaborate, but he declined to comment further, as he was too busy putting holes in doughnuts.
EDIT: FATSO have asked us to point out that since this story was written, they have contacted all major TV broadcasters in the United Kingdom to ask them to modify their output over what we used to be able to refer to as the Christmas period. High on their list of banning priorities are The Snowman, as it encourages children to run away with strangers made of snow, and The Sound of Music, for encouraging children to escape from the tyrannical rein of Fascism.
After it emerged last week that local taxi driver Dan Jacks is a Fandan Man, Bute News received several calls asking if we would run a story covering this 'news.' However, after much soul searching we have decided we will not be investigating, as we feel Bute News is no place for fandans. For a full, detailed analysis of Mr Jacks' new status, we recommend you buy a copy of our rival publication The Buteman*, as they are filled to the brim with fandans and fandan related stories.
*Bute News takes no responsibility for the accuracy or (more likely) sheer ridiculousness of reporting in The Buteman. It is unfortunate that other local new sources are not as committed to high-quality journalism as Bute News.
Bute experienced a state of pandemonium recently, when it was alleged that a shark had been washed up on the beach at Ettrick Bay.
According to several islanders, none of whom we could be arsed asking their names, the shark measured somewhere between 4 inches and 75 feet, and had a collar around it's neck saying "property of Her Majesty, Dame Edna Everage."
These rumours were soon rubbished by local wildlife marshal Marshall Wilde. Mr Wilde told Bute News: "for *censored*'s sake, it was just a *censored* duck. A really big *censored* duck."
When asked how it was possible for anyone to confuse a large duck with a shark, Mr Wilde replied
"I don't *censored* know, they both swim in the *censored* water, but that's about *censored* it. *censored* Chinese Whispers mate, ye cannae make this *censored* bull*censored* up."
This is, of course, not the first time that one animal has been mistaken for another on Bute. Local man James Wyles is constantly having to remind people who call him "sheep-shagger Jim" that he was actually caught with a goat.
Ladies and gentleman, Bute News would like to make an apology.
It has been many moons since Bute News last published a story to this blog, the reasons for this are many and varied, but you, dear readers, can select one or more of the following:
1) Our office was ransacked by drunken neds off of their heads on Buckfast and Skittles. They broke our laptop, and stole the money we had hidden in a biscuit tin (which, we now realise, probably shouldn't have had the words "secret money tin" written on the side of it). We have only now raised enough money - through selling drugs to kids - to be able to afford a new laptop.
2) All of our writers were simultaneously stricken with a case of acute dyslexia, and were unable to write a coherent sentence.
3) Health & Safety fascists refused to allow any typing to be done at Bute News HQ due to the dangers of carpal tunnel syndrome. We were not allowed to even look at a computer until specially designed wrist supports were purchased. Unfortunately, the only way to order said wrist supports is from an online office supplies store, which we could not order from as we were not allowed near our computers. We only overcame this hurdle when just last week it finally occurred to us that we should ask one of the other 4 people on Bute who own a computer if they would order the wrist supports for us.
4) Absolutely nothing has happened on Bute for ages. Let's face it, most of what we report is barrel-scrappingly trivial at best.
Rest assured, ladies and gentleman, we will soon be back to our futile best.
Kind Regards
Bute News
