Christmas is Cancelled

Shock news gripped Bute this week, as it emerged that a local primary school has decided to outlaw any mention of Christmas due to fears over obesity.

The Families and Teachers Shared Organisation (FATSO) have issued a proclamation stating that it would be morally reprehensible of them to allow children to be exposed to images of Father Christmas' substantial waistline, as the impressionable young children would inevitably take to power-eating in order to emulate the rotund gift-bringer. Candy Barr of FATSO told Bute News:

"We just don't feel it's right that kids get the impression that it is ok to be fat. Fat people should be hidden away from society, and only winched through their roofs when we need a good laugh or have a sumo wrestling tournament. As parents, we don't have much time for our kids at this or any other time of year, so we expect other people to take responsibility for bringing up our spawn - if my kid turns out to be a fat bastard, you can guarantee that I'll find a way to blame someone else, because it sure as hell won't be my fault."

FATSO's position is not without opposition, however. Local master bakers are cracking off over the proposal, which they say will undermine their efforts to get some cheap publicity. Every Christmas, local traders give free Christmas cakes to schools in the hope that Bute News' downmarket, inferior rival will send a reporter to cover the story, in the hope of filling a few column inches in between stories about how the bus was late once, or that Woolworths have sold out of Shayne Ward CDs. Bob L Head of the Baker's Dozen, a consortium of local bakers, told Bute News:

"They're all a shower of bastards."

We asked Mr Head to elaborate, but he declined to comment further, as he was too busy putting holes in doughnuts.

EDIT: FATSO have asked us to point out that since this story was written, they have contacted all major TV broadcasters in the United Kingdom to ask them to modify their output over what we used to be able to refer to as the Christmas period. High on their list of banning priorities are The Snowman, as it encourages children to run away with strangers made of snow, and The Sound of Music, for encouraging children to escape from the tyrannical rein of Fascism.

Bute News - No Place For Fandans

After it emerged last week that local taxi driver Dan Jacks is a Fandan Man, Bute News received several calls asking if we would run a story covering this 'news.' However, after much soul searching we have decided we will not be investigating, as we feel Bute News is no place for fandans. For a full, detailed analysis of Mr Jacks' new status, we recommend you buy a copy of our rival publication The Buteman*, as they are filled to the brim with fandans and fandan related stories.

*Bute News takes no responsibility for the accuracy or (more likely) sheer ridiculousness of reporting in The Buteman. It is unfortunate that other local new sources are not as committed to high-quality journalism as Bute News.

Duck Tales

Bute experienced a state of pandemonium recently, when it was alleged that a shark had been washed up on the beach at Ettrick Bay.

According to several islanders, none of whom we could be arsed asking their names, the shark measured somewhere between 4 inches and 75 feet, and had a collar around it's neck saying "property of Her Majesty, Dame Edna Everage."

These rumours were soon rubbished by local wildlife marshal Marshall Wilde. Mr Wilde told Bute News:

"for *censored*'s sake, it was just a *censored* duck. A really big *censored* duck."

When asked how it was possible for anyone to confuse a large duck with a shark, Mr Wilde replied

"I don't *censored* know, they both swim in the *censored* water, but that's about *censored* it. *censored* Chinese Whispers mate, ye cannae make this *censored* bull*censored* up."

This is, of course, not the first time that one animal has been mistaken for another on Bute. Local man James Wyles is constantly having to remind people who call him "sheep-shagger Jim" that he was actually caught with a goat.

The "Triumphant" Return of Bute News

Ladies and gentleman, Bute News would like to make an apology.

It has been many moons since Bute News last published a story to this blog, the reasons for this are many and varied, but you, dear readers, can select one or more of the following:

1) Our office was ransacked by drunken neds off of their heads on Buckfast and Skittles. They broke our laptop, and stole the money we had hidden in a biscuit tin (which, we now realise, probably shouldn't have had the words "secret money tin" written on the side of it). We have only now raised enough money - through selling drugs to kids - to be able to afford a new laptop.

2) All of our writers were simultaneously stricken with a case of acute dyslexia, and were unable to write a coherent sentence.

3) Health & Safety fascists refused to allow any typing to be done at Bute News HQ due to the dangers of carpal tunnel syndrome. We were not allowed to even look at a computer until specially designed wrist supports were purchased. Unfortunately, the only way to order said wrist supports is from an online office supplies store, which we could not order from as we were not allowed near our computers. We only overcame this hurdle when just last week it finally occurred to us that we should ask one of the other 4 people on Bute who own a computer if they would order the wrist supports for us.

4) Absolutely nothing has happened on Bute for ages. Let's face it, most of what we report is barrel-scrappingly trivial at best.



Rest assured, ladies and gentleman, we will soon be back to our futile best.

Kind Regards
Bute News

Not-erloo

There was outrage at the end of the 'ButeStars' talent show last weekend, when not one of the approximately 20 acts performed an Abba song.

Show organiser Danny Wills tried his best to diffuse the situation by pointing out to the audience that they had been treated to 5 different groups of dancers, 3 covers of 'Dance The Night Away' by the Mavericks, and 8 versions of Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On,' but the crowd still went home disappointed at the lack of even one solitary rendition of 'Mama Mia.'

Local gossip Mary Hinge explained the feelings of the disappointed crowd:

"it's tradition. Everyone knows that for a talent show to be truly worthwhile, you need to have at least one group doing an Abba song. Otherwise it's just pointless. We paid £4 each to get in here, and they couldn't even give us one Abba song. They took our money, money, money and didn't give us any in return."

We caught up with Mr Wills yesterday to discuss the weekend's incidents.

"None of the entrants wanted to do an Abba song. I asked one of the groups of dancing girls if they might like to dance to an Abba song, but they said they couldn't do it because they didn't know who Abba were and they'd already choreographed their existing routine to ensure maximum arse-shaking with minimum actual effort. The truth is, I'd have been happy to let someone mime an Abba song if it'd have kept everyone happy. In fact, I'd have done it myself if I'd know that I'd end up receiving as many death threats as I have already this week."

As an act of contrition to the infuriated masses, Danny Wills has agreed to organise an Abba-only talent show in 3 weeks time. Anyone wishing to take part should contact Mr Wills ASAP, with details of what song they wish to use, whether they intend to perform it, mime it or dance to it, and to provide an estimation of how mind-numbingly tedious they expect their act to be, on a scale of 1 to 10.

Bomb Scare? What Bomb Scare? - An Apology

Last week we reported that Bute was rocked to the core recently when an atomic bomb which had been hidden underneath the pier detonated, killing 1,700 and injuring many more.

It was later revealed that there was no bomb planted at the pier, there was no atomic explosion and that nobody was killed or injured by this non-existent explosion. In actual fact, it transpires that the above story was completely fictional.

We at Bute News would like to apologise for any distress and mental anguish we may have caused with our desire to be first with breaking news. This endless pursuit of meeting deadlines before establishing truth caused us to run with a story which wasn't properly checked or sourced.

Although we were wrong this time, we at Bute News are always on the ball when it comes to reporting local news. All our readers can rest assured that if an atomic bomb does detonate on Bute in the future, you'll hear about it first through Bute News.

Local Man's John Smeaton References Becoming Irritating

As most people know, John Smeaton's 5 minutes of fame are well and truly over. However, it seems that not everyone on Bute has realised this, and one local man in particular is persisting with emailing ridiculous, unfunny and untrue "facts" about the Glasgow Airport worker who was having a fag when he should have been loading bags onto planes, and then decided to get into a fight with some nutters.

Despite it being only borderline funny the first time someone took the old David Hasselhoff / Chuck Norris chain email and changed everything to be about Mr Smeaton (e.g. John Smeaton doesn't get wet, the water gets Smeaton), Mr Graham Garfield insists on making up more such "facts" and sending them on to his increasingly aggravated friends. One such recipient was a Mr Jamie White, who told Bute News: "some of them were a little amusing at first, but now they're just getting stupid. He sent me this one yesterday 'Al-Qaieda disbanded because John Smeaton has taken the fun out of fundamentalism,' that was just a recycling of one he sent three weeks ago that said 'John Smeaton takes the laughter out of manslaughter' - it's like he's not even trying any more. To be honest, I wish he'd just stop. Nobody cares about John Smeaton anymore, the man is just a ned who happened to get into a fight with the right people."

When asked to comment, Mr Garfield said "John Smeaton is the inspiration for Jack Bauer." When it was pointed out to Mr Garfield that Jack Bauer first appeared in 24 in 2001, long before anyone other than his parents and possibly the parole board knew who Mr Smeaton was, he replied "John Smeaton is a time traveller." We then pointed out that if Mr Smeaton was a time traveller he would surely have been able to prevent the Glasgow Airport attack happening at all. At this point, Mr Garfield ran away, but later that evening sent Bute News an email with another 56 "facts" about John Smeaton, the majority of which are either physically impossible, extremely unlikely or completely ridiculous.

Mr Smeaton was unavailable for comment, as he was busy dining out on his brief moment of glory.

MSP Unseated, Awarded Parachutes

Former local MSP John Lydon has been preparing to adjust to life among the mere mortals once more.

After having been unseated by a candidate who sometimes even comes to the island, Mr Lydon had applied for the £26,113 “parachute payment” available to departing MSPs. However, a clerical error resulted in the payment being made entirely in parachutes.

Taking delivery of the 375 army surplus parachutes this morning, Mr Lydon's assistant, a Mrs Esmerelda Crab, informed us that clerical errors of this sort happen all the time at the Scottish Parliament. “I heard that on one occasion when Jim Wallace was leader of the Liberal Democrats, he requested a copy of the Herald be made available to him each morning” said Mrs Crab, “but they ended up placing an actual herald at the door of his office, ready to announce proclamations to his party. Another time, Tommy Sheridan asked if Bountys could be put into the vending machine – the next day the machine was filled with kitchen towel.”

When asked to explain the cause of these seemingly ridiculous errors, Mrs Crab speculated that it may be due to excessive beureaucracy at Holyrood. “They take everything you say literally. You know if you say something like 'it's freezing in here' there'll always be that one person who says 'no it's not, it's just cold'? Imagine if those people ran the country. I won't even tell you what happened the time Jack McConnell asked for a glass of Coke.”

Mrs Crab was unable to say what Mr Lydon plans to do with 375 parachutes, but there has been speculation that at least a few may be donated for Cal-Mac to use to slow down the new ferry when the brakes inevitably fail.

Peace Campaigners Meeting Ends in Violence

The first bi-monthly meeting of the Bute Coalition for Peace Not War ended in a full-scale brawl last week, after a heated debate over a logo erupted into a physical confrontation.

It is believed that the trouble began after the Chairperson of the Coalition, Mr. Walter Bunns, suggested that the symbol of peace should be the rose. According to reports, Mr. Jason Sturdy took exception to this, and is believed to have called that suggestion "poof-worthy," later asserting that the lily should be the symbol of Bute's token opposition to military action. Although renowned for his pacifism, Mr. Bunns is also known for his homophobia, and as a result took great exception to Mr. Sturdy implying that his idea was "poof-worthy." According to one onlooker - who did not wish to be named, but did tell us that he has size 8 feet and once slept with someone who "looked a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones- Douglas" - around 6 peace campaigners "could not keep the two bastards apart, it was like Mike f**king Tyson Vs Lennox Lewis." The police were called, arrived on the scene in just 19 minutes (their fastest response this year) and attempted to put an end to the violence.

Unfortunately, Officer Constable is well known on Bute for his lack of tact, and, by describing the meeting as "a futile attempt to make your voice heard, even though no-one's listening and the war started 4 years ago," only served to make the situation worse. Speaking from his hospital bed, Officer Constable said "I am a moron, where's my donut?"

The violence ended around 6.30pm, six hours into the meeting, when Councillor Biggins was heard to scream "WHAT ABOUT THE TULIP?" Upon which both Mr. Bunns and Mr. Sturdy paused, looked at each other, and nodded their heads. Both men instructed the factions that had grown up around them to go back to their seats and "vote tulip."

The final count was two dead, four hospitalised and a bill for roughly £6000 to repair damage caused to the church hall. As a result of this bill, Mr. Bunns would like to inform all members of the coalition that the planned "March for Peace" into the town square has had to be abandoned, as there is no money to pay for the marching permit.

Further proof that violence solves nothing.

Local Dog Is Racist

Bute was shocked today, when it was discovered that a local dog is a vicious racist. "I just couldn't believe it," said the dog's owner, Mr. Ray Cist, "he's always been fairly well behaved around 'them' in the past, but recently its been like he joined the BNP or something." According to Dr. Jack Russell, canine behaviourist, it is not uncommon for dogs to develop a deep hatred of ethnic minorities. "It stems back to childhood," says Dr. Russell, "we give our pets names with obvious racial connotations, and expect them to not be affected by it. But I'll tell you this - PETS ARE RACIST."

The turning point, when this dog began down the steep decline toward racism,came when he watched a TV documentary about the rise of Fascism in the 1930s. Mr. Cist continues the story: "he was captivated by it, every time the Fuhrer spoke it was like he was speaking directly to my dog. I've heard theories in the past about our beloved Fuhrer being such a gifted orator because he spoke in a very high frequency, due to him only having one ball - I just never would have guessed that he was speaking to my dog."

After watching the documentary, presented by the late Bernard Manning, the dog is reported to have demanded his name be changed. "I'd always called him Patch," says Ray, "but he must have thought that name implied that there was some black in him. He demanded I change his name to Whitey."

Whitey, as he is now known, has recently been seen hanging around outside the local Chinese takeaway, barking loudly whenever one of the proprieters attempts to leave the premises, but going up to the (predominantly white) clientele looking for table scraps.

It is not known how many dogs on the island have joined Whitey, but conservative estimates range between 50 and 100 racist dogs. Ray Cist says "I can't believe it, its fantastic...I mean....its terrible. Its not like I changed his name for him, I'm not trying to raise an army of dogs you know." When it was pointed out to Mr. Cist that no-one was accusing him of such a thing, he replied "thank God for that."

Mr. Cist would like to point out that he is not a Nazi, and has only ever been to 15 BNP meetings, and only stood for election as a BNP candidate twice.

Man Changes Hair Parting to Avoid Wife

Local man Jason McKenzie is rumoured to have been parting his hair on the other side of his head in order to disguise himself while conducting an extra-marital affair.

Town gossip Mary Hinge got in touch with Bute News last weekend to reveal all about Mr McKenzie's sordid ways. "It's all because of that little tramp Jenny Grey, you know" said Ms Hinge, "he's always parted his hair on the left, but I see him on the bus to her house and he's got it parted on the right. I bet it's a disguise in case his wife catches him, but I see through it. Dirty bugger."

If Mr McKenzie is indeed utilising an opposite parting for disguise purposes, he would be following in some very famous footsteps. It is believed that Lord Lucan has evaded police for over 30 years because he moved to Newcastle, changed his hairstyle and told everyone his name was Dave, while former Prime Minister John Major successfully used a similar disguise to conduct his affair with Edwina Currie right under the nose of his wife Norma.