Former local MSP John Lydon has been preparing to adjust to life among the mere mortals once more.
After having been unseated by a candidate who sometimes even comes to the island, Mr Lydon had applied for the £26,113 “parachute payment” available to departing MSPs. However, a clerical error resulted in the payment being made entirely in parachutes.
Taking delivery of the 375 army surplus parachutes this morning, Mr Lydon's assistant, a Mrs Esmerelda Crab, informed us that clerical errors of this sort happen all the time at the Scottish Parliament. “I heard that on one occasion when Jim Wallace was leader of the Liberal Democrats, he requested a copy of the Herald be made available to him each morning” said Mrs Crab, “but they ended up placing an actual herald at the door of his office, ready to announce proclamations to his party. Another time, Tommy Sheridan asked if Bountys could be put into the vending machine – the next day the machine was filled with kitchen towel.”
When asked to explain the cause of these seemingly ridiculous errors, Mrs Crab speculated that it may be due to excessive beureaucracy at Holyrood. “They take everything you say literally. You know if you say something like 'it's freezing in here' there'll always be that one person who says 'no it's not, it's just cold'? Imagine if those people ran the country. I won't even tell you what happened the time Jack McConnell asked for a glass of Coke.”
Mrs Crab was unable to say what Mr Lydon plans to do with 375 parachutes, but there has been speculation that at least a few may be donated for Cal-Mac to use to slow down the new ferry when the brakes inevitably fail.
