The first bi-monthly meeting of the Bute Coalition for Peace Not War ended in a full-scale brawl last week, after a heated debate over a logo erupted into a physical confrontation.
It is believed that the trouble began after the Chairperson of the Coalition, Mr. Walter Bunns, suggested that the symbol of peace should be the rose. According to reports, Mr. Jason Sturdy took exception to this, and is believed to have called that suggestion "poof-worthy," later asserting that the lily should be the symbol of Bute's token opposition to military action. Although renowned for his pacifism, Mr. Bunns is also known for his homophobia, and as a result took great exception to Mr. Sturdy implying that his idea was "poof-worthy." According to one onlooker - who did not wish to be named, but did tell us that he has size 8 feet and once slept with someone who "looked a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones- Douglas" - around 6 peace campaigners "could not keep the two bastards apart, it was like Mike f**king Tyson Vs Lennox Lewis." The police were called, arrived on the scene in just 19 minutes (their fastest response this year) and attempted to put an end to the violence.
Unfortunately, Officer Constable is well known on Bute for his lack of tact, and, by describing the meeting as "a futile attempt to make your voice heard, even though no-one's listening and the war started 4 years ago," only served to make the situation worse. Speaking from his hospital bed, Officer Constable said "I am a moron, where's my donut?"
The violence ended around 6.30pm, six hours into the meeting, when Councillor Biggins was heard to scream "WHAT ABOUT THE TULIP?" Upon which both Mr. Bunns and Mr. Sturdy paused, looked at each other, and nodded their heads. Both men instructed the factions that had grown up around them to go back to their seats and "vote tulip."
The final count was two dead, four hospitalised and a bill for roughly £6000 to repair damage caused to the church hall. As a result of this bill, Mr. Bunns would like to inform all members of the coalition that the planned "March for Peace" into the town square has had to be abandoned, as there is no money to pay for the marching permit.
Further proof that violence solves nothing.
