The "Triumphant" Return of Bute News

Ladies and gentleman, Bute News would like to make an apology.

It has been many moons since Bute News last published a story to this blog, the reasons for this are many and varied, but you, dear readers, can select one or more of the following:

1) Our office was ransacked by drunken neds off of their heads on Buckfast and Skittles. They broke our laptop, and stole the money we had hidden in a biscuit tin (which, we now realise, probably shouldn't have had the words "secret money tin" written on the side of it). We have only now raised enough money - through selling drugs to kids - to be able to afford a new laptop.

2) All of our writers were simultaneously stricken with a case of acute dyslexia, and were unable to write a coherent sentence.

3) Health & Safety fascists refused to allow any typing to be done at Bute News HQ due to the dangers of carpal tunnel syndrome. We were not allowed to even look at a computer until specially designed wrist supports were purchased. Unfortunately, the only way to order said wrist supports is from an online office supplies store, which we could not order from as we were not allowed near our computers. We only overcame this hurdle when just last week it finally occurred to us that we should ask one of the other 4 people on Bute who own a computer if they would order the wrist supports for us.

4) Absolutely nothing has happened on Bute for ages. Let's face it, most of what we report is barrel-scrappingly trivial at best.



Rest assured, ladies and gentleman, we will soon be back to our futile best.

Kind Regards
Bute News

Bomb Scare? What Bomb Scare? - An Apology

Last week we reported that Bute was rocked to the core recently when an atomic bomb which had been hidden underneath the pier detonated, killing 1,700 and injuring many more.

It was later revealed that there was no bomb planted at the pier, there was no atomic explosion and that nobody was killed or injured by this non-existent explosion. In actual fact, it transpires that the above story was completely fictional.

We at Bute News would like to apologise for any distress and mental anguish we may have caused with our desire to be first with breaking news. This endless pursuit of meeting deadlines before establishing truth caused us to run with a story which wasn't properly checked or sourced.

Although we were wrong this time, we at Bute News are always on the ball when it comes to reporting local news. All our readers can rest assured that if an atomic bomb does detonate on Bute in the future, you'll hear about it first through Bute News.